3 message makeovers: From lame to lovablePulled from the real world, here are three lame transactional messages and how you can turn them into relationship-building events.
Example #1: Email newsletter confirmationSender line: NewsletterName@example.comSubject line: Your newsletter request
Copy: Thanks for signing up for our email newsletter. Click this link to activate your request. Your first issue should be coming soon. (Signed) The Editors.
Here's how to make it better: Sender line: Newsletter NameSubject line: Please confirm your subscription request
Copy: Thanks for subscribing to Newsletter Name! Please confirm your subscription now. Confirming your subscription tells us you really do want to subscribe.
After we receive your confirmation, you’ll be able to view past messages online and customize your profile so you get the email you really want.
Got questions or concerns? Send them here: firstname.lastname@example.org. View our latest issue online here: (URL).
And thank you again for subscribing!
Confirm nowNo thanks
Example #2: Order confirmationSender line: CompanyName.comSubject: Your recent order
Copy: Your order has been received and is being processed. Your items will be shipped as soon as they're available. Thanks for shopping with Company Name.
Here's how to make it better: Sender line: Company NameSubject line: Confirming your order with Company Name
Copy: Dear Customer Name: Thanks for your order from Company Name! This message will confirm your order details. You'll receive another message from us when your items ship.
Your order number:Your order date:
What you ordered (all details, including product photo):
Any backorders or out-of-stocks:
Your total order cost, including shipping or other fees:
Where we're shipping it:
Who's paying for it:
How it was paid for:
Is everything correct? If you spot any problems, contact us right away at 800-XXX-XXXX or email customersupport@CompanyName.com.
P.S.: Was this your first time visiting CompanyName.com? If so, welcome! Check out our email program to get exclusive news and product offers here (URL). You can find out more information about the products you bought here (URL). And while we're at it, come join our group on Facebook! (URL)
Example #3: Credit card payment acknowledgementSender line: CreditCardCompany.comSubject line: Payment due
Copy: This is to inform you that your credit card payment has been received and is being processed. Note that online payments may take up to a week to be posted to your account.
Here's how to make it better: Sender line: CreditCard Account AlertSubject line: We've received your online payment
Copy: Dear Customer Name,
Re: Your BigBank Account ending in 7123
Thank you for your payment.
Details regarding your payment:
To view your statements or recent transactions, log in to http://www.creditcardcompany.com/.
Questions? Please send us a secure email from our website at http://www.CreditCardCompany.com/contact. Or, call us at 1-800-XXX-XXXX between 6 a.m. and 2 a.m. ET.
If you prefer not to receive these account alerts and/or other emails, call 800-XXX-XXXX or just log in to http://www.creditcardcompany.com/ and select Alerts/Profile. From the Customize screen, you can choose which Account Alerts you'd like to receive, or unsubscribe from all Account Alerts.
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Wendy Roth is the senior manager of training services for Lyris Technologies.
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